It has become apparent that I need an official comment policy. Here it is:
I moderate all comments. If you care to whine about this, do so elsewhere.
I welcome comments by women, with few exceptions. Generally, those exceptions fall into a couple of categories: (1) declarations that I’m “not a real feminist” or “give feminism a bad name” (I know you’ve been socialized to feel that any women’s movement lacks legitimacy without some male support and approval, but maybe now is the time to stop obsessing about what men might think); (2) comments that use sexist attack words towards me or other female posters.
I have a high level of patience with male posters who do not (1) come here from an MRA website; (2) troll; (3) use the comments to write some long diatribe; (4) make irrelevant hypotheticals or attempt to de-rail threads; (5) demand my opinion on how some issue I’ve raised relates to men’s experiences.
If you are male and wish to post a comment, please follow these guidelines:
* First, read the post thoroughly and try to ensure you understand the concepts as best you can; while many terms I use (“rape supporter,” “patriarchy,” “class-based oppression,” “socialization,” “objectification,” “colonization”) may be unfamiliar, nothing in this blog is difficult to understand if you’re able to have a little empathy with respect to women.
* Second, my comment board is not a place for men to pontificate. I put up short posts which ask for clarification, add some particular dimension or nuance to my points, or otherwise contribute to the conversation.
* Third, keep your comment brief. Many male posters feel the need to ramble on, telling me where they agree with me and where they don’t, or focusing on individual examples in lieu of the larger points. I don’t need you to tell me that you agree with me. Just make your comment/question and move on.
There have been a lot of interesting comments I would have loved to have posted which I haven’t, because they were too long, contained too much irrelevant navel-gazing, and didn’t add meaningfully to the conversation. For instance, I recently got a comment wanting my feedback on the way that “prostitution” is characterized in Whedon’s Firefly, but the comment was a page-stretcher and most of it was a laborious slog of how much he agreed or took issue with individual statements I made (not helpful!). If you are not certain whether your comment may be too long or whatnot, let me know in the comment if I may truncate.
Thanks for this, plainly and clearly written, and not anywhere I can see, blaming women for what women endure and must survive.
I can’t find a place to comment on your blog “A Man Is a Rape-Supporter If…”.
I wanted to ask what you meant by: He defends the current legal definition of rape and/or opposes making consent a defense.
I think the first part means that the current definition of rape isn’t sufficient, but where it says “opposes making consent a defense.”, I have a question: who’s consent and in the defense who are you referring to. If you would elaborate that would be much appreciated.
Comments on that post are currently open, and I’ve discussed that question in at least one of the comments.
I just stumbled across your blog, and a lot of what you had to say in posts immediately made me angry and I found myself looking for ways to disprove what you had to say. From there I discovered that I could not do so easily, if at all.
This blog has essentially provided a ‘final straw’ if you will. I realize that I have far more misogynistic attitudes than I realized, and that I am very much guilty of sexism in my thinking and attitudes. I would like to stop this way of thinking and become a better human being.
That being said, I have a serious work load (70+ hour weeks) and am a single daddy to a wonderful 2 year old boy.
So my question to you is this: If you had to pick a stepping stone to ‘rehabilitate a reprobate male’ what would you suggest? I want to educate myself on what you have to say, and I want to take steps to prevent indoctrinating my son into the same molds that I have been given by society.
Thanks in advance
The first thing to do is pay attention, both to women and the world around you. You need to learn to recognize sexism, which sounds easy but is usually very hard. Reading books, watching movies, and even interacting with people may start to feel like a previously familiar terrain has suddenly become foreign and fraught. Reading women’s thoughts, experiences, and analyses will help you figure out what’s going on; women’s voices will have to be your compass. Since women experience, identify, and discuss sexism in different (and sometimes seemingly conflicting) ways, try not to get too frustrated if you feel you’re being “led” in different directions. It will most likely take eating some humble pie, too.
http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=4051
Between your job and the little one I doubt you have the time for a book list, but let me give you some links:
Womanist Musings(blog)
Radical Hub (blog hub)
On Finally Accepting Feminism
Schrodinger’s Rapist: Or, a Guy’s Guide to Approaching Strange Women Without Being Maced
The most important thing you can do is probably the simplest as well as the most difficult – be brave. Stand up to other men when they demonstrate misogynistic attitudes or behaviors. You’ll probably become the “guy who can’t take a joke,” a “party-pooper,” a “prude,” a “puritan,” or a “pussy-whipped,” “feminised” “milquetoast.” I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, though, that men – particularly in groups – egg each other on. Men often act in violent and misogynistic ways because that’s what they believe the men around them will expect and respect. I strongly suspect that if even one in twenty men in the world was openly, vehemently anti-rape, then rates of sexual violence would plummet (Men Can Stop Rape).
You’ll also need to contemplate and understand the difference between standing up to men and patriarchal oppression, versus “protecting” women, in the chivalric sense.
Now, turning to your son…. My children are only a few years older, so I have a bit of practical advice in this area.
Aside from modeling good behavior, one of the best things you can do with your son is talk to him about sexism and racism in an age-appropriate way. He’ll be exposed to sexist ideas and take them in, regardless of how conscientious you are at home; it’s just too pervasive in society. Young kids swallow all kinds of unstated, implicit social stratifications and “in-group” membership lessons like water. So you can ask questions with simple ideas, such as “You say that child is a boy. How come? Can’t kids have short hair even if they aren’t boys?”
One thing I did/do with my kids at around ages 3-5 is explain sexism in terms of treating some people (girls/women) “like dolls.” We talked about what it meant to treat someone like a doll – as if they’re a toy, as if you can dress them up, as if they’re made by people (and therefore have a “purpose”), as if they’re to play with when you want them but otherwise you can leave them in a toy box, as if they’re supposed to make you happy, as if you can get them as gifts, etc. Both my kids have dolls, so the analogy may not work quite as well if your son isn’t familiar with playing with dolls, but I think dolls are still ubiquitous enough that you can probably have this discussion with him.
As he gets older, point out how women are portrayed in advertisements, movies, and literature. Get him books and movies which have decent female leads. And when he begins to hit puberty, talk with him about objectification, about how pornography is linked to changes in the male brain, about the ways women are trained to think about their bodies, sex, and relationships. You may want to suggest he read some romance novels (in many of them the hero explicitly rapes the heroine, yet she is happy about it, and that is how she realizes she is “in love” with him – check out some of the posts in the feminist blogosphere on the concept of trauma bonding). Romance novels are GREAT to (1) demonstrate how many women are trained to think of love/sex/strength/men/orgasms/relationships/consent, and (2) upon mentally switching the genders of the parties, very strikingly show how far we have to go.
Enjoy the journey.
You scream for gender equality, and then place guidelines for only men to follow in regards to commenting? Don’t get me wrong! I agree with you on so many levels in your posts. Yes, I am male, but does that mean that I am immediately a horrible person? I think anybody who commits a crime against a Woman is horrible, and I think the way Women are portrayed in media today is abhorred, however according to the way you outlined the way comments should be posted: Women have the free reign, whereas men do not. I fail to see the gender equality.
I’m a radical feminist. I don’t scream for “gender equality.” http://evebitfirst.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/equal-to-whom-exactly/ Instead, I work for an end to hierarchical systems of oppression, of which gender is one.
Feminism: More Complex Than You Thought It Was Since Forever
Nick,
In all honesty it makes a kind of sense. I’ve been responsible for ignoring the third point there. Going on and on and on. Then I came back and read the about page again only to find out that “whoops, went on too long and decided to take a hatchet to the arguments.” It can be difficult to be concise with so much interesting material floating about, especially relating to a longer blog post. I’m fairly sure if a woman ended up posting what I had posted, it wouldn’t have seen the light of day either. So despite the genders floating around, it is probably best to just assume these are rules generally.
Given the fire storm that erupted over that, probable, misunderstanding of the “Rape Supporters” topic, this makes a whole lot of sense.